If you're living with a chronic illness, you're in the right place.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

Results Anxiety

6:55 AM Posted by Tiffany Taft , ,
I stood and stared into my refrigerator this morning for about 5 minutes.  Not because it's empty except for a lonely bottle of ketchup.  We're fortunate to have food in our house, including a host of fruits and vegetables that I get from the internet (Door to Door Organics).  Because I'm lazy.  Actually it was the bowl of apples that drew my stare.  I love a good, cold apple.  Preferably honey crisp or fuji or granny smith.  Red delicious run too much risk of being mushy, in my opinion.

My face when biting a mushy apple.

I don't want to eat any more apples.  The thought of eating another apple sends me into a catatonic state, staring into my fridge.  I look around at the other food, most of which is off limits to me right now because I'm still on the elimination diet.

My endoscopy wasn't clear.  As my GI doc put it "It's not too bad" but I still have inflammation in my esophagus and stomach, plus some new stuff that I don't really want to even think about.  It could be nothing or it could be the Crohn's disease causing issues further up the system than it usually likes to cause issues.  I have an appointment on Friday to go over everything and next steps.

A likely option will be to eliminate the last 2 "Top 8" foods that trigger EoE - dairy and eggs.  My gastroenterologist was trying to be nice when we planned this diet and let me keep these 2 food groups because my allergy testing for them came back 0/6, or no reaction.  But according to the research, 50% of people with EoE have symptoms after dairy exposure even without a positive allergy test.

I've worked at Northwestern University since 2004 and have a good relationship with the 2 experts in eosinophilic GI illness there, so I can bounce things off of them.  I'm not going to lie, it's nice to have that access and I'm very privileged.  I know what it's like to not have access to your doctors, personally and through stories I hear from my clients. I chatted with one yesterday who said removing dairy and egg was the logical next step, then repeat endoscopy in 6-8 weeks.  I'm guessing my doctor will say the same, unless by some miracle the biopsy results are better than the last time.  I'm not very optimistic, but hey stranger things have happened.  Like "The View" still being on the air.

As I looked into the fridge this morning I scanned the foods I've been able to have the past 2 months that will no longer be allowed.  What the hell am I going to put in my coffee?  Rice milk?  Pretty sure that's a crime in some places.

I recently had a conversation with a client on the versatility of the word "shit." 

(Hey, I do important work, people)

All I seem to think when it's time to find food these days is "shit, nothing to eat" if I'm out and not prepared with bringing my own food or "this is some bullshit" when shopping and reading food labels or "fuck this shit" and resisting the urge to just eat a loaf of bread. 

See, versatile. 

Profanity aside, I'm feeling pretty frustrated and defeated right now. This is a natural progression through adjustment to something like this that thousands of people have done before me, and will do after me.  It'll get better, but the light at the end of the tunnel is still pretty far in the distance right now as my doctor and I try to figure out what the hell to do.

In the meantime, I ate the apple.

Thanks for reading about my bullshit.