Hello!
I'm here today to talk about the key psychological concept to a major theory of how and why humans behave the way they do. Sounds super exciting, doesn't it? What if I say I'm doing this in the context of COVID19, kids, and returning to school?
Ooooo, controversial.
Thursday evening I watched our local school board meeting for about 6 hours. The meeting went from 5:00 to 11:30-ish, pm. The entire time was dedicated to discussions around our "Return to Learn" plan. About 2 weeks prior, the board voted for 5 days, in person schooling. This is for the elementary and middle schools only. On Thursday, the board voted 5-2 to do the same thing except now with a "phased in" approach. Starting with 2.5 hours in person initially, with the goal of 6 hour, on-site, 5 day-a-week learning by late October. Districts around us are starting out 100% online, and this was proposed by the 2 ultimately dissenting board members. Parents who don't want to do the 5 day plan have the option for an "Online Academy" which is mostly self directed with a couple of hours of teacher contact per day.
I live in a very large suburb of Chicago. And while Illinois got its shit together with early shutdowns in April, we've since shown a persistent increase in cases and positivity rates as we quickly (why?) moved to Phase 4 in June. Infections are rising fast enough that our governor is threatening to move us back to Phase 3. Moving back to this phase closes the schools, making the 6 hours of painful discussion, and essentially a bunch of Kabuki theater, I watched on Thursday a moot point.
Is there a better word than Kabuki? I'll wait.
My brain hurts from all the debate about COVID. When my patients ask me how do I know what's true and what's not, I tell them anyone who speaks with the utmost certainty and conviction about most things COVID-related is probably full of shit. Except masks. Wear a mask, please.
There's a reason scientists and research studies are never absolutely conclusive about nearly anything. Because that goes against fundamental scientific theory and process. As a lay person in a pandemic, I totally get why that'd make you bonkers.
So in my world of psychology, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy. CBT as you may have heard of it. Within CBT theory is a critical concept of Core Beliefs. These are deeply rooted structures in our psyche, built from very early ages throughout childhood and adolescence. They shape everything. How we see the world, ourselves, other people. Our rules and assumptions about life. Core beliefs are fucking important.
A core belief is typically an "I" statement. They can be positive "I'm a good person" or negative "I'm a piece of garbage person." We have many and it's usually a mix of good and bad. But, the vast majority of people, right now, have no idea what their core belief structure is. But they sure as shit know when a core belief is "triggered."
Ever hear the term "that really pushed my buttons" leading a person to get really upset or angry in response to something said or done? The buttons are our core beliefs. You know a negative core belief is being activated when you experience an intense emotional response to something. Negative core beliefs triggered by the proper context can send you from 0 to 100 in about 0.5 seconds.
How? I'm lazy and this is going to get way too long to hold your attention so here's an infographic.
I don't know who Beth is, but her dartboard is a pretty common scenario. She believes deep down she's a bad person, so her rules/must dos/demands/shoulds are to lay low and keep everyone happy. So when her boss got mad, she assumed the punishment fit the crime.
The dartboard doesn't list the feelings associated with these thoughts, but I'll bet my expensive psychology degree she wasn't feeling particularly good. Might have even felt particularly bad. Or downright crappy. It also doesn't list what Beth did to cope with her feelings. Maybe she had a drink, or yelled at her kids, or called a friend to vent.
How the hell did Beth come to believe she's a bad person? Messaging. Over the years, important people in her life, usually the parents (sorry), relayed to her, either with direct words "You're a bad girl!" when Beth broke a toy or spilled the milk, or perhaps indirectly via repeated actions, messages that said she was bad. Maybe these messages were reinforced by a teacher or peers in school. Over time, Beth believed at her core she's a bad person. And that's real hard to undo.
It's a blessing and a curse to be a parent and a psychologist. I am acutely aware of core belief development in my kids, who are 5 and 9. I correct statements they may say about themselves quickly and reframe ways they talk to each other and friends from "I don't like Joey" to "I don't like what Joey is doing." Big difference when Joey is one of your closest friends.
I'm not here to pontificate about how my parenting is superior. It's not. Both of my children are proficient in F-bombs, which they got directly from me. I'll own it.
But I am here to say I am deeply concerned about the impacts of COVID19 on our kids' core belief development. When people talk about "social and emotional" development when arguing for schools to reopen, I often wonder what exactly do you mean and are you even considering core beliefs? I guarantee you Betsy DeVos knows jack shit about core beliefs.
COVID19 has already potentially taught many children the world is a dangerous place.
Other people are diseased and may contaminate me.
People can't be trusted.
My son is a lover not a fighter. Slow to warm up, he goes from giving you the side eye to hugging you so tight as to try to keep you from leaving and telling you "I love you, you're so lovely" after spending about half an hour with you. He even did this to the ER nurse who helped when he needed stitches in his lip after falling out of bed and kissing his night stand. Half an hour prior he was screaming from lidocaine and stitches.
He starts Kindergarten this year. There certainly will be no hugs at school. If he goes to hug his teacher, she will back away. If he tries to hug a friend, he will be corrected. "Don't do that. No hugs right now, it's not safe."
So what core belief is THAT messaging going to produce?
I asked my daughter, the 9 year old, if she wanted to go to school or do the "Online Academy" option.
I should note we've been following social distancing pretty strictly. We always wear masks when out and around people. She plays with our neighbor's daughter regularly and we took a trip to a remote part of Michigan with our old neighbors, who also don't go anywhere. So we're not locked in our homes, terrified of the world. But we're also not running around to stores or restaurants or social gatherings.
She said she wants to do the online option and I asked her why.
"I don't want to get COVID and give it to you or dad or my brother."
What will the core belief be of a child who does spread COVID to his or her family? Because kids do spread it. It may be less frequent, but nobody really knows because the data conflict (welcome to science!).
Does core belief development trump the other benefits of going to school? Especially for kids who need food, a safe environment, or extra services? I don't know. That may sound weird, but I see the lifelong impacts of dysfunctional core beliefs all the time. This is the curse of the parent psychologist, and the curse of the psychologist watching people go at each other like gladiators in the Colosseum when talking about school. Core beliefs must be monitored and kids need help before these beliefs become rooted. But we all know in our current education system, the odds of that are next to nothing for most kids. This is simply one more part of our entire way of being that COVID19 has revealed as deeply screwed.
So if you're a parent reading this, read some books or online articles on core beliefs. Learn how to try to shape them in a healthy way. Watch for negative "I" statements in your kids. This is important whether your kid goes to school or not. Because we need to be paying attention to this.
Resources:
https://positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/
https://astoldbybex.com/how-to-identify-and-change-your-core-beliefs-for-the-better/
http://www.andrealoewen.ca/choosing-words-help-children-core-beliefs/
I'm here today to talk about the key psychological concept to a major theory of how and why humans behave the way they do. Sounds super exciting, doesn't it? What if I say I'm doing this in the context of COVID19, kids, and returning to school?
Ooooo, controversial.
Thursday evening I watched our local school board meeting for about 6 hours. The meeting went from 5:00 to 11:30-ish, pm. The entire time was dedicated to discussions around our "Return to Learn" plan. About 2 weeks prior, the board voted for 5 days, in person schooling. This is for the elementary and middle schools only. On Thursday, the board voted 5-2 to do the same thing except now with a "phased in" approach. Starting with 2.5 hours in person initially, with the goal of 6 hour, on-site, 5 day-a-week learning by late October. Districts around us are starting out 100% online, and this was proposed by the 2 ultimately dissenting board members. Parents who don't want to do the 5 day plan have the option for an "Online Academy" which is mostly self directed with a couple of hours of teacher contact per day.
I live in a very large suburb of Chicago. And while Illinois got its shit together with early shutdowns in April, we've since shown a persistent increase in cases and positivity rates as we quickly (why?) moved to Phase 4 in June. Infections are rising fast enough that our governor is threatening to move us back to Phase 3. Moving back to this phase closes the schools, making the 6 hours of painful discussion, and essentially a bunch of Kabuki theater, I watched on Thursday a moot point.
Is there a better word than Kabuki? I'll wait.
 |
| Me, while watching the meeting |
There's a reason scientists and research studies are never absolutely conclusive about nearly anything. Because that goes against fundamental scientific theory and process. As a lay person in a pandemic, I totally get why that'd make you bonkers.
So in my world of psychology, there's cognitive-behavioral therapy. CBT as you may have heard of it. Within CBT theory is a critical concept of Core Beliefs. These are deeply rooted structures in our psyche, built from very early ages throughout childhood and adolescence. They shape everything. How we see the world, ourselves, other people. Our rules and assumptions about life. Core beliefs are fucking important.
A core belief is typically an "I" statement. They can be positive "I'm a good person" or negative "I'm a piece of garbage person." We have many and it's usually a mix of good and bad. But, the vast majority of people, right now, have no idea what their core belief structure is. But they sure as shit know when a core belief is "triggered."
Ever hear the term "that really pushed my buttons" leading a person to get really upset or angry in response to something said or done? The buttons are our core beliefs. You know a negative core belief is being activated when you experience an intense emotional response to something. Negative core beliefs triggered by the proper context can send you from 0 to 100 in about 0.5 seconds.
How? I'm lazy and this is going to get way too long to hold your attention so here's an infographic.
 |
| Source: https://www.dummies.com/health/mental-health/core-beliefs-and-cognitive-behavioural-therapy/ |
The dartboard doesn't list the feelings associated with these thoughts, but I'll bet my expensive psychology degree she wasn't feeling particularly good. Might have even felt particularly bad. Or downright crappy. It also doesn't list what Beth did to cope with her feelings. Maybe she had a drink, or yelled at her kids, or called a friend to vent.
How the hell did Beth come to believe she's a bad person? Messaging. Over the years, important people in her life, usually the parents (sorry), relayed to her, either with direct words "You're a bad girl!" when Beth broke a toy or spilled the milk, or perhaps indirectly via repeated actions, messages that said she was bad. Maybe these messages were reinforced by a teacher or peers in school. Over time, Beth believed at her core she's a bad person. And that's real hard to undo.
It's a blessing and a curse to be a parent and a psychologist. I am acutely aware of core belief development in my kids, who are 5 and 9. I correct statements they may say about themselves quickly and reframe ways they talk to each other and friends from "I don't like Joey" to "I don't like what Joey is doing." Big difference when Joey is one of your closest friends.
I'm not here to pontificate about how my parenting is superior. It's not. Both of my children are proficient in F-bombs, which they got directly from me. I'll own it.
But I am here to say I am deeply concerned about the impacts of COVID19 on our kids' core belief development. When people talk about "social and emotional" development when arguing for schools to reopen, I often wonder what exactly do you mean and are you even considering core beliefs? I guarantee you Betsy DeVos knows jack shit about core beliefs.
COVID19 has already potentially taught many children the world is a dangerous place.
Other people are diseased and may contaminate me.
People can't be trusted.
My son is a lover not a fighter. Slow to warm up, he goes from giving you the side eye to hugging you so tight as to try to keep you from leaving and telling you "I love you, you're so lovely" after spending about half an hour with you. He even did this to the ER nurse who helped when he needed stitches in his lip after falling out of bed and kissing his night stand. Half an hour prior he was screaming from lidocaine and stitches.
He starts Kindergarten this year. There certainly will be no hugs at school. If he goes to hug his teacher, she will back away. If he tries to hug a friend, he will be corrected. "Don't do that. No hugs right now, it's not safe."
So what core belief is THAT messaging going to produce?
I asked my daughter, the 9 year old, if she wanted to go to school or do the "Online Academy" option.
I should note we've been following social distancing pretty strictly. We always wear masks when out and around people. She plays with our neighbor's daughter regularly and we took a trip to a remote part of Michigan with our old neighbors, who also don't go anywhere. So we're not locked in our homes, terrified of the world. But we're also not running around to stores or restaurants or social gatherings.
She said she wants to do the online option and I asked her why.
"I don't want to get COVID and give it to you or dad or my brother."
What will the core belief be of a child who does spread COVID to his or her family? Because kids do spread it. It may be less frequent, but nobody really knows because the data conflict (welcome to science!).
Does core belief development trump the other benefits of going to school? Especially for kids who need food, a safe environment, or extra services? I don't know. That may sound weird, but I see the lifelong impacts of dysfunctional core beliefs all the time. This is the curse of the parent psychologist, and the curse of the psychologist watching people go at each other like gladiators in the Colosseum when talking about school. Core beliefs must be monitored and kids need help before these beliefs become rooted. But we all know in our current education system, the odds of that are next to nothing for most kids. This is simply one more part of our entire way of being that COVID19 has revealed as deeply screwed.
So if you're a parent reading this, read some books or online articles on core beliefs. Learn how to try to shape them in a healthy way. Watch for negative "I" statements in your kids. This is important whether your kid goes to school or not. Because we need to be paying attention to this.
Resources:
https://positivepsychology.com/core-beliefs-worksheets/
https://astoldbybex.com/how-to-identify-and-change-your-core-beliefs-for-the-better/
http://www.andrealoewen.ca/choosing-words-help-children-core-beliefs/